On change.

Me in The Philippines, 2019. Life is beautiful.

Every few years, I watch The Lord of the Rings with my wife, and I can only describe the experience as sublime.

Every time I watch these movies, I notice dozens of new things. This time, as I watched Return of the King, I latched onto something sad that Frodo says near the end:

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?”

Since I left the United States in 2018 to live in the Philippines, and now Mexico, I’ve changed so much.

Feeling “reverse culture shock” when I come back to the US wasn’t what I thought would happen when I boarded a flight to Manila years ago.

I remember having a layover in China, just mind-blown that I was halfway around the world.

When I was a kid, I loved the Lord of the Rings for how they encouraged adventure. This quote from Bilbo really resonated—and still does—with me.

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

But all these years later, I realize that The Lord of the Rings is not so much about the excitement of adventure, but how much we change as we go through the adventure of life.

At 32 years old, I’m a totally different person from who I was at 22. And many times as I reflect on my life, I forget that how things are right now aren’t how they’re always going to be.

I look back on my life, at the people pleaser I was in high school just trying to “fit in,” and I realize how much I don’t even know who I really am.

What do I believe? How much do I believe in something simply because it was an idea that I grew up with?

As I’ve traveled, and met cool people, and seen how other cultures operate, I started looking at my own with a sort of detachment. Us Americans love our football, and common courtesy (sometimes), and freedom….

….sometimes.

To a certain extent, I owe my adventurous spirit to the USA. We manifested our destiny, walked on the moon, and it’s in our DNA to push boundaries and explore. I love this line from my favorite movie, Interstellar:

“We used to look up at the sky and wonder at our place in the stars, Now we just look down and worry about our place in the dirt.”

But the biggest lesson I learned from Lord of the Rings is one of redemption. Boromir redeems himself after trying to take the ring from Frodo by giving his life to protect Merry and Pippin, for instance.

Redemption is always possible. Change is always an option. Things are never static.

In the past few months, I’ve started making some changes to my own life.

I know it looks like I live some adventurous, crazy life here in Mexico, but in reality I spend most of my days inside. I don’t socialize. I play lots of video games and stuff. It’s for a few reasons, but chief among them is fear. I fear my Spanish sucks, and that I’ll get into an awkward situation because of it. I fear people won’t like me. I fear a lot of things.

But last weekend I went to a Catan tournament here in the city, and I made a lot of cool friends. They invited me to their weekly board game night, and I went yesterday for the first time.

It was fun! It was a little nerve-wracking, but I don’t know.. I started fearing the isolation of staying at home more than the potential awkwardness of meeting new people, and I got my ass out of the house.

I started remembering parts of who I am. I actually do like hanging out with people. I’m a pretty chill guy. I just want to laugh. I don’t take myself too seriously.

I started remembering that who I am right now doesn’t need to be who I am in the future.

I watched Season 4 of the Bear this summer, and it was a deeply moving experience for me. One line that Sugar says to Carmy really stood out to me:

“You found something that you love, and it’s completely 100% okay if you don’t love it anymore, because the most special part about it is that you are capable of that love.”

For the last 8 years, I’ve taught people how to write and grow online, and to be honest, I’ve been scared to let go of it. It’s sometimes made what I’ve created feel more forced and unnatural than I wanted it to.

I see other growth hackers making bonkers money and doing bonkers numbers, and I think to myself ‘They don’t deserve that! They don’t even love writing!!’

But in the end, I think it was the fear talking. I can change what I do at any moment in time if I wanted to. I can be free. I can go on an adventure, which I’ve already proven I have the courage to do.

I realized that my hatred for the growth hackers was really my own insecurity talking.

It told me..

‘You can’t do anything else, Tom.’

When I started blogging on Medium in 2016, I had no idea I’d someday become a writing coach. That wasn’t my goal. But here I am, and I’ve made very good money doing it.

Who’s to say I can’t do that again with something else I’m passionate about?

I’m not saying I’m going to quit being a writing coach, but I will take pressure off myself to stick to this niche full-time in the future.

Another big thing I’ve learned is how much none of this really f*cking matters.

What I mean is, I put so much pressure on myself, at 32 years old, to have a house, car, kids, perfect social life, whatever.

In reality, nothing really matters.

I’m gonna die one day. All that matters is that I’m enjoying myself and treating people well. It doesn’t matter whether I made $40K this year, or $100K+. It doesn’t matter whether I live in a house in Orizaba, or a small apartment in Mexico City. It doesn’t matter! You can find happiness anywhere. I really believe that. You can find SOMETHING to latch onto anywhere. That’s why, when I visited the poorest parts of the Philippines, I somehow found some of the happiest people I’ve ever met.

Not to glorify poverty too much or anything, because it’s horrific, but still.

So, who am I?

To quote Arya Stark, I’m no one. Because I’m constantly changing. I’m neither here, nor there. What I wrote last week is who I was at a particular point in time, nothing more. What I write now is already in the past (because I’m going to auto-schedule this for next week 😉).

You’re looking at the old light from a star when you read these words. Light that doesn’t really exist anymore.

One of my favorite movies is Everything Everywhere All At Once. One of the points of that movie is that when nothing matters, everything does. It takes all the pressure off. You can enjoy the wind on your face, and the smell of tacos cooking nearby, and worry less about money, accomplishments, or social standing.

Life’s really beaten me down lately. I’ve beaten myself down, too. I put all this pressure on myself. But something interesting happens when you get squeezed by the hydraulic press that is life..

You realize that much of the pressure you feel isn’t even real. It’s just pressure you’re putting on yourself. You don’t have to care what other people think of you. You don’t have to do what you’re doing now. You don’t have to have a fancy house, and car, and clothes.

And in that moment, when you feel that pressure the most, the chains finally fall off and you become free.

If you’ve read this far, first off, thank you. Secondly, remember this..

You can change. You have ALL the power. You can do it. If you need help, go get it. If you’re in a dark pit, it’s not insurmountable. You can get out. It might not be easy, but it’s always possible.

I’m not saying you’re one “choice” away from being a billionaire and buying 78 yachts. No. I’m saying that maybe you’re one choice away from taking all this blasted pressure off yourself so you can live more freely.

Give yourself that gift. It’ll be more valuable than millions of dollars, a home with 38 bedrooms, or a closet full of Armani clothes.

Like Sam says to Frodo above the fires of Mount Doom..

“Just let it go!”

Thanks so much for reading, y’all.