Thank you for writing this. As someone about to embark on my Substack journey, I find myself worrying about this issue quite a bit. Recently, I’ve turned to this quote from Philip Lopate I find helpful: “Granted, writing about one’s family or intimates can be an aggressive, vindictive act, but it can also be a way of communicating something to loved ones you never could before—a ‘gift’ of the truth of your feelings. It can poison the air or clear it.” Anyway, thanks again! 🙏🏻
Jacob I agree with this quote SO MUCH. There's stuff I've written to my Dad on here that I've been afraid of getting his reaction to, but so far he's been nothing but receptive and encouraging. I guess it all just comes down to the way we write things. I try to give as many concessions and "benefit of the doubts" as possible, and that helps everyone be a bit more receptive. I think the fact that our thoughts are written in words, too, somehow gives them more respect or something. IDK how to explain that, but I find that when someone reads my work, it does the heavy lifting of what 2-3 deep conversations would've done. All in like a 4-5 minute read.
Yes! Exactly. While I always love having a deep conversation with a family member, sometimes a clear, concise piece of writing can express what I struggle to articulate over hours of talking. Oh, and for the record, it’s Phillip Lopate. I really dislike not being able to edit my comments and fix typos! 🤣
You actually can edit comments. Click on the three little dots at the side of the comment, one of them says "edit", for which I am grateful! Typos, second thoughts, etc. Helpful!
Haha I actually waited to publish my second book until after my parents died. I was so resistant to writing that book but then one of my friends said to me a similar thing as you do here. She said, "if they don't like what you said, then let them write their own book." I started writing that day.
Thank you! This book is the second of four books but the only one I was worried about offending people. Now I am in the midst of a follow up book on similar subject matter and I really needed to hear the encouragement to speak my truth and not worry about who I may offend. Religious programming is a very heated subject! My purpose is to challenge the stigma around veering off the narrow path allowed by religious leaders.
When I used to blog about parenting, I sometimes wrote about my kids ( I mean, what else would you write about in a parenting blog?) until they got old enough to realize I was writing about them. Then I realized I had to take into account their preferences. My sons didn't mind so much but my daughter didn't like her name showing up in, well, anywhere. So for almost a decade I stopped for the most part posting in that parenting blog.
That's a different kettle of fish than writing about other friends and relatives who perhaps "should have behaved better" in the words of Anne Lamott that you mentioned.
Several years ago, my older sister and I went to a writing conference and one of the workshops dealt with this very question, how do I write about my family?
It was the only workshop to read that 3-day conference that my sister and I both attended because we had the same question, having had similar growing up experiences and faced with a question, how do you write about crazy stuff? Or personal stuff?
Changing relevant details is a good idea.
Also, sometimes so much time has changed that the people involved don't really mind much anymore, as in the terrific memoir "The Liars' Club" by Mary Karr. She went through some horrific experiences with her closest family members but writes about it in a honest yet refreshing way. Definitely a book I'd recommend.
Parenting and writing about our parenting journeys seems to be a big item in this discussion (for me at least). I would love to write about my experiences raising my children (one trans, one cis) partly because I am also transgender. It's not an entirely unique situation, but there aren't a lot of folks out there putting out that kind of material. Why? Well the current politics are frankly dangerous. Even here, having said that much, I'm already opening a door to potential harassment. So while there's clearly merit in documenting stories, sometimes we have to consider how best to protect the people in our lives who truly deserve that kind of protection, and children fit that criteria every single time.
I've recently written a novel that took me six months to create. Even with this accomplishment, I still feel weird about family members reading it if and when it gets published. With my posting songs that I've created on substack, it took a looong time to get over the fact that my first subscribers would be friends and family and would finally see what occupied my thoughts day and night. But so far, they've only been supportive of what I post, and posting my thoughts has been so worth it. Thank you for this incredibly relatable and reassuring article.
Your advice here is GOLD. Thank you so much for sharing this. I live by that “if they didn’t want to be talked about badly, they should have behaved better.” I write about what’s-his-name’s games that broke me. And that’s what I call him: “what’s-his-name.” Could be anyone. 🤷♀️
Writing is so powerful that it can change once life.
If you are writing and documenting every aspect of your life whatever you are feeling and whatever you are thinking, You could easily make a valuable thing that is needed by thousands of people.
Start documenting your life.
Show your work.
Try it about all the learnings you have learned so far.
I literally had this happen to me last week. I wrote a blog (changing names and places) about my workplace and the bullying happening there. Someone found it and shared it to a group work chat - and now the whole office has read it. As of yesterday the entire office is being performance managed and the CEOs changed everyone’s desk arrangements 😂 It was equally horrifying and satisfying to watch. Mightier than the sword indeed…
LOL that is a CRAZY story! I mean, I'm happy things are changing for you. Nice touch to change the names and places so nobody can get directly called out. The people you called out know who they are, though, at least.
This is all unfortunately right on the money. Have written professionally since 1985 and my family STILL won’t read my stuff. They liked pointing out my byline when I wrote for Variety. New to Substack and you have a great one. Check out mine if you get the chance.
I just assumed they would never read it anyway, Istiaq. But I've started to give people a heads up when I write about them these days and share with them what I plan to publish for their okay.
I write mostly first person stories and I am always keeping this in mind. My solution is to come closer to how I experienced the story, so I know that it is true to me. Then I also think, if my parents are upset about this then they should've considered behaving better in the off-chance I would become a writer.
My parents know I write but do not read my stuff, I believe my sister and a few friends read some things but not all. I usually do not write negative things about family so I am not to worried if they did read my stuff.
My father, my sister and husband are my most loyal readers. I remember the time early in my Substack journey that I wrote quite a poignant piece about my early school days. In those days my father would focus on the negative. I achieved Dux of my school with 97% and he asked me where the other 3 % were. While I've never doubted his love, he didn't express it often. So, at 91 years old, when he called me especially to tell me he loved the poignant piece and he loves my writing, I was moved to tears.
WOW, Robyn. Wow. What is it about writing that can do this?? I feel like I say a lot of the same things I write about in conversation when I'm talking with people, but for some reason my message really sinks in more when people read it. I have no idea why.
That's an interesting thought Tom. We certainly craft out thoughts when we write - more than when we speak, I guess. Then there's the time that people take to read and ponder. But it's good to know that writing is still so valuable.
Thank you for writing this. As someone about to embark on my Substack journey, I find myself worrying about this issue quite a bit. Recently, I’ve turned to this quote from Philip Lopate I find helpful: “Granted, writing about one’s family or intimates can be an aggressive, vindictive act, but it can also be a way of communicating something to loved ones you never could before—a ‘gift’ of the truth of your feelings. It can poison the air or clear it.” Anyway, thanks again! 🙏🏻
Jacob I agree with this quote SO MUCH. There's stuff I've written to my Dad on here that I've been afraid of getting his reaction to, but so far he's been nothing but receptive and encouraging. I guess it all just comes down to the way we write things. I try to give as many concessions and "benefit of the doubts" as possible, and that helps everyone be a bit more receptive. I think the fact that our thoughts are written in words, too, somehow gives them more respect or something. IDK how to explain that, but I find that when someone reads my work, it does the heavy lifting of what 2-3 deep conversations would've done. All in like a 4-5 minute read.
Yes! Exactly. While I always love having a deep conversation with a family member, sometimes a clear, concise piece of writing can express what I struggle to articulate over hours of talking. Oh, and for the record, it’s Phillip Lopate. I really dislike not being able to edit my comments and fix typos! 🤣
WHAT??? Substack doesn't let you edit comments? This needs to be changed immediately.
Funny, Tom, funny...
You actually can edit comments. Click on the three little dots at the side of the comment, one of them says "edit", for which I am grateful! Typos, second thoughts, etc. Helpful!
Haha I actually waited to publish my second book until after my parents died. I was so resistant to writing that book but then one of my friends said to me a similar thing as you do here. She said, "if they don't like what you said, then let them write their own book." I started writing that day.
Haha, I love that story Joy. What's the link to your book? Maybe some people might see it here in the comments and take a look.
Thank you! This book is the second of four books but the only one I was worried about offending people. Now I am in the midst of a follow up book on similar subject matter and I really needed to hear the encouragement to speak my truth and not worry about who I may offend. Religious programming is a very heated subject! My purpose is to challenge the stigma around veering off the narrow path allowed by religious leaders.
https://a.co/d/iGsIm8w
Jesus wasn’t accepted for who he was in his own hometown. We shouldn’t be too offended when our relatives don’t show interest in our writing.
Yeah, and sometimes they are busy, which I totally understand.
Perfect analogy!
Thanks!
So I agree with this but it is very funny to remember that James Joyce couldn’t go back to Dublin after his friends read what he wrote.
Lol, didn't work out for James so well.
This is some great advice.
When I used to blog about parenting, I sometimes wrote about my kids ( I mean, what else would you write about in a parenting blog?) until they got old enough to realize I was writing about them. Then I realized I had to take into account their preferences. My sons didn't mind so much but my daughter didn't like her name showing up in, well, anywhere. So for almost a decade I stopped for the most part posting in that parenting blog.
That's a different kettle of fish than writing about other friends and relatives who perhaps "should have behaved better" in the words of Anne Lamott that you mentioned.
Several years ago, my older sister and I went to a writing conference and one of the workshops dealt with this very question, how do I write about my family?
It was the only workshop to read that 3-day conference that my sister and I both attended because we had the same question, having had similar growing up experiences and faced with a question, how do you write about crazy stuff? Or personal stuff?
Changing relevant details is a good idea.
Also, sometimes so much time has changed that the people involved don't really mind much anymore, as in the terrific memoir "The Liars' Club" by Mary Karr. She went through some horrific experiences with her closest family members but writes about it in a honest yet refreshing way. Definitely a book I'd recommend.
I'm going to write this book down, Bonita. Thank you!!!
Parenting and writing about our parenting journeys seems to be a big item in this discussion (for me at least). I would love to write about my experiences raising my children (one trans, one cis) partly because I am also transgender. It's not an entirely unique situation, but there aren't a lot of folks out there putting out that kind of material. Why? Well the current politics are frankly dangerous. Even here, having said that much, I'm already opening a door to potential harassment. So while there's clearly merit in documenting stories, sometimes we have to consider how best to protect the people in our lives who truly deserve that kind of protection, and children fit that criteria every single time.
I've recently written a novel that took me six months to create. Even with this accomplishment, I still feel weird about family members reading it if and when it gets published. With my posting songs that I've created on substack, it took a looong time to get over the fact that my first subscribers would be friends and family and would finally see what occupied my thoughts day and night. But so far, they've only been supportive of what I post, and posting my thoughts has been so worth it. Thank you for this incredibly relatable and reassuring article.
I'm happy to hear this Madeline. :) It's just something about writing. It makes empathy so much easier.
Reading your take on this, gave me the final push to go an write my first post. Thank you!
VERY happy to read this, Doris. Thank you!
Your advice here is GOLD. Thank you so much for sharing this. I live by that “if they didn’t want to be talked about badly, they should have behaved better.” I write about what’s-his-name’s games that broke me. And that’s what I call him: “what’s-his-name.” Could be anyone. 🤷♀️
Tom, I love the quote from Annie Lamont that you cite: “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”
She's incredible!!
In this context, it seems that one should not change the details but tell the truth. What do you think?
Writing is so powerful that it can change once life.
If you are writing and documenting every aspect of your life whatever you are feeling and whatever you are thinking, You could easily make a valuable thing that is needed by thousands of people.
Start documenting your life.
Show your work.
Try it about all the learnings you have learned so far.
Help people.
She had your writing with others.
The simple task will change your life.
Here, here!
I literally had this happen to me last week. I wrote a blog (changing names and places) about my workplace and the bullying happening there. Someone found it and shared it to a group work chat - and now the whole office has read it. As of yesterday the entire office is being performance managed and the CEOs changed everyone’s desk arrangements 😂 It was equally horrifying and satisfying to watch. Mightier than the sword indeed…
LOL that is a CRAZY story! I mean, I'm happy things are changing for you. Nice touch to change the names and places so nobody can get directly called out. The people you called out know who they are, though, at least.
Oh they are very much aware 😂
This is all unfortunately right on the money. Have written professionally since 1985 and my family STILL won’t read my stuff. They liked pointing out my byline when I wrote for Variety. New to Substack and you have a great one. Check out mine if you get the chance.
I liked the Anne Lamott quote. So on point.
I took me a while to realize that other people's response to your writing is solely on them, it does not reflect you and you don't own their reaction.
Just curious, had you thought to give your parents a heads up before writing about them or did you assume they would never read it?
I just assumed they would never read it anyway, Istiaq. But I've started to give people a heads up when I write about them these days and share with them what I plan to publish for their okay.
I write mostly first person stories and I am always keeping this in mind. My solution is to come closer to how I experienced the story, so I know that it is true to me. Then I also think, if my parents are upset about this then they should've considered behaving better in the off-chance I would become a writer.
True. It's our story at the end of the day as well. We own that. We deserve to write about it however we want.
My parents know I write but do not read my stuff, I believe my sister and a few friends read some things but not all. I usually do not write negative things about family so I am not to worried if they did read my stuff.
My father, my sister and husband are my most loyal readers. I remember the time early in my Substack journey that I wrote quite a poignant piece about my early school days. In those days my father would focus on the negative. I achieved Dux of my school with 97% and he asked me where the other 3 % were. While I've never doubted his love, he didn't express it often. So, at 91 years old, when he called me especially to tell me he loved the poignant piece and he loves my writing, I was moved to tears.
WOW, Robyn. Wow. What is it about writing that can do this?? I feel like I say a lot of the same things I write about in conversation when I'm talking with people, but for some reason my message really sinks in more when people read it. I have no idea why.
That's an interesting thought Tom. We certainly craft out thoughts when we write - more than when we speak, I guess. Then there's the time that people take to read and ponder. But it's good to know that writing is still so valuable.